Dear Vampires,
My name is Eleanor, and I’ve noticed that you (as a race) have come into vogue of late. I thought I would write to you in a show of support in the face of the vicious and offensive rumours that have sprung up thanks to the efforts of some supposed ‘writers’.
First of all, I think you’ll find that the ignorance surrounding the qualities of your skin under UV radiation is propagated solely by young, human females. Really, the vile and misinformed bug has only spread in circles populated by dozy and unimaginative ‘tweens’. I have sad premonitions of said tweens one day storming Mardi Gras, attracted by buff gentlemen covered in glitter. Their efforts will, however, be in vain.
Please be aware that the vast majority of the educated community understands that you do not all wear black, mope constantly, fall in love with equally mopy ladies with seemingly no redeemable qualities, breath heavily, suffer from insomnia, or spend more than an average amount of time in trees.
I spend a lot of time in trees. I’ve yet to run into one of your noble race entangled in knotted boughs.
While I understand that the popular culture of the day paints a horrible misinformed picture of you, I wish to remind you of some positives associated with your name! I speak, of course, of Vampire Weekend!
The miraculous, modern spin on the sounds of Paul Simon, and enchanting Soweto flavours lend nothing but pure, unadulterated bliss to any mention of the word ‘Vampire’. They have recently released their second album, Contra, and I suggest you give it a thorough listen. It is, I have no doubt, one of the defining albums of our generation, just as Graceland was such a prominent sound in its day.
I also learnt some facts about Ezra Koenig today. I thought it appropriate to share them with you.
Did you know, for instance, that he was an 8th grade English teacher?? I cannot even begin to explain what I would’ve given up to be taught English by this guitar-wielding deity of indie tunes. Furthermore, the band Vampire Weekend is named after a movie that Ezra and his friends wrote during college. In this film, Ezra plays ‘Walcott‘. Walcott has to go to Cape Cod to warn everyone about the vampires. Presumably, the events take place on a weekend.
I hope this climate of vampire-stupidity dies down soon. Your people deserve nothing less than equality and respect from humans of all ages and genders.
Regards,
Eleanor
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